The only constant is change

2,500 years ago, Heraclitus said “The only constant is change”.

And he wasn’t wrong!

Things change all round us. The seasons change. Things that were growing die. Things that appeared dead, grow. People age. Babies are born. Our dogs grow older. New puppies appear.

Scientific and technical advances mean that daily life is always changing - our grandparents had no smartphones!

And as we’ve discovered this year, our whole way of life can change - very quickly. What we took as normal is now exceptional. What was outlandish is now standard.

So how do you stop your head spinning in all this? How do you hold on to your place in the world?

Let go of control!

The first thing to know is that the more you try and control the world around you, the less control you will have. It will lead only to frustration, anger, resentment.

It’s an impossible task! Like trying to hold on to water!

And this isn’t confined to the world around us . . .

You may know by this stage of your life that trying to control the people around you is doomed to failure. And you should also know by now that trying to control your dog is equally doomed. The only way you can possibly exert this level of control - of bending another to your will - is by extreme force, captivity, limitation, abuse.

And we don’t want to go that way.

So in this world of shifting shapes and shifting times, how are we to hold on to reality?

Start with yourself

The fact is that the only thing you can control is . . . what you think.

Yep. That’s it. That’s the extent of what you can control.

Death camp survivor Viktor Frankl knew a thing or two about control and being controlled. Amidst all the horror he held on to his mind by holding on to this thought:

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

But it’s often the last thing people resort to! They think it’s easier to control everyone and everything else, that they themselves are right, so everyone else must be wrong

Once you can shake this daft way of thinking out of your head, the path is open to you to truly control by influencing, by showing the way, by shining the light.

It is empowering when we recognise that we’re part of a changing universe, that the only thing that stays the same is the fluctuation.

King Canute is famous for attempting to turn the tide and failing. He is often misrepresented as stupid. In fact he was on the side of sense - he was demonstrating to his fawning courtiers that even a king could not affect the fundamental nature of our universe - that of change.

Canute worked this out a thousand years ago. It seems we have to work it out for ourselves anew!

Our dog’s behaviour

I see this frequently in new students, and in emails from readers. Their dog’s previously predictable behaviour changes. So their knee-jerk reaction is to control the dog, to stop the behaviour, to enforce change. (I say “new students” advisedly! Students who’ve been around me for a while know that this is not the way forward.)

If instead of seeing this as open rebellion - the start of a slippery slope, the dog getting out of hand, taking over, “dominating” - if instead the dog’s owner sees it as a simple change, then it becomes so much easier to guide the dog into choices that align with how you’d like him to be.

Control not necessary!

Think of how much energy you’ll save by moving into an accepting state of mind, instead of one of continual resistance and confrontation!

It’s not what happens in life: it’s how you deal with it

But I know this can be hard - especially in the heat of the moment. We’ve been conditioned all our life to defend our territory, to regard any encroachment as a dangerous act. Just knowing that this river of life is flowing around you, and the way to enjoy the experience is to flow with it, can be an ideal you may struggle to reach!

If this is you, I think I may be able to help you. I would love the opportunity to see how this thinking is affecting you, and what the best way forward would be for you. Drop me a line and maybe we can get on a call together and see where this leads you.

Is Don’t-based Training Still Prevailing with Dogs as well as Children?

This article was first published at Medium.com

Dogs are at their most creative, and learn best, during play.

The scientists have proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt. The case is closed. And that’s why you’ll find that more and more organisations who work with dogs are switching from aversive methods of training to play-based methods, in the teeth of tv personalities with outdated ideas.

Guide Dogs, Search and Rescue dogs, Seizure Alert dogs, Hearing dogs for the deaf, Assistance dogs, performance dogs in Agility, Flyball, Dancing dogs, have for quite some time been trained to do their remarkable work as part of a big game.

Now even some enlightened police dog trainers — an area where dark training traditionally took place — are joining in and teaching through Do-based training instead of Don’t-based training.

You always used to hear police dog trainers say things like, “My life is on the line — I need my dog to be bombproof,” to excuse the harsh methods often employed. Now they’re realising that their dog’s response is not just as good as previously, it’s sharper, faster, more enthusiastic, just plain better.

And who wouldn’t prefer to work through fun and games rather than bullying and punishment?

Dogs are simple and uncomplicated creatures who do what works. If jumping through hoops, figuratively speaking, is fun, and they get a great reward for doing it, and — critically — they have a choice whether to do it or not, you’ll get ready and willing compliance, with sparkling performance.

Great news for dogs! But how are children faring?

What about our Children?

So why are so many people stuck in the Dark Ages when it comes to dealing with their children?

There are, of course, plenty of educational establishments and organisations who pioneer fun methods of learning. There are schools which are beacons for the latest in learning theory.

I’m thinking more about what I see on the street, in the shops, in the park.

Many parents are still stuck in adversarial training. They lead with their chin. Everything becomes an issue. They lose sight of what they want to achieve and focus on what they take to be their child’s resistance. It’s a kind of old-fashioned manager vs employee approach — which is doomed to failure. Any small successes are hard-won and grudgingly ceded by the resentful subject.

Unless people are educated into understanding how to get the best results from people, from children, from dogs, they tend to default to the parade-ground style of barking commands and expecting instant, mindless, compliance. They can treat their nearest and dearest, as well as their pets, in ways they wouldn’t dream of treating a visitor!

Imagine saying to your house-guest: “Take a seat. Sit down. Sit! SIT! Get in that chair now!” Of course you wouldn’t do that.

But how many times do you hear similar things being barked at children, most usually expressed in the negative: Don’t, Stop, Cut it out, Put it down, Leave it alone, Not another word, Don’t touch.

No attempt is made to direct the child to what you actually want him to do!

Back to Dogs again

And this is exactly what people tend to do with their dogs. Their sweet new puppy, who just loves life, is seen as The Opposition. He must be contained, prevented, controlled, stopped.

And when this inevitably doesn’t work, the second-to-last resort is surgical intervention, in the totally mistaken belief that this will somehow render their dog acquiescent and malleable.

The last resort is, of course, off-loading the troublesome hound to the nearest shelter.

Who’s Watching?

A lot of this is a result of social pressure. The shouter feels the need to appear in charge — of his flock, his family, his employees, his dog.

Forgetting that anyone else is watching, and just focussing on the interaction between you and your child or dog - all the time keeping your eyes on what outcome you are actually looking for - can do wonders to the relationship.

The scientists are beavering away to prove, over and over again, how choice-based training gets the quickest results. Let’s listen to them and apply it in our own personal laboratory.

Let’s collectively move from “Don’t” to “Do”.

Is your dog or your little puppy throwing up more challenges than you anticipated? Watch our free Workshop and find how to change things fast!

Labelling your dog and yourself

We have a deep desire to fit in, to find our box. And we have an equally strong desire to place everyone else in the box we choose for them - and expect them to stay there. I remember a teacher who would move a troublemaking child to the desk right in front of her, saying “Sit there where I can keep an eye on you.”

You want to be able to control other people (more about the hopelessness of this task further down the page . . .) and you think that by controlling them you can keep control over your whole world.

If we needed any further evidence of the futility of this plan, recent global events should have shown us!

But while we may acknowledge that we can’t control the mass of humanity, or a tiny virus, we may still continue to try to control our family, our neighbours, our dog, and anything that doesn’t fight back!

Labels

And the easiest way to do this is to apply a label.

“Once you brand yourself with a label – you have created an identity for yourself. Once you create an identity for yourself – it’s human nature to instinctively, impulsively, and unconsciously defend that identity.” Randy Gage

So - “You are lazy,” “I am a slow reader,” “My dog is stubborn,” “I’m too old for that,” “You are untidy,” “My dog never comes when he’s called,” “I’m no good at business,” are all labels that we have applied at some time to ourselves, another person, or our dog.

And then the label kinda stuck.

In fact, these are all just thoughts.

And did you know, you can think anything whenever you want to!

You don’t think the same thoughts you did as a small child - about school, food, toys. You shouldn’t even be thinking the same thoughts as you did last week! We’ve moved on . . . So why think the same thoughts you did as a small child about your place in life, your value, your potential contribution?

It’s so easy for us to get sucked into actually believing this nonsense we come out with! It’s so easy for us to take up a protective posture with regard to these thoughts, as Randy says, and defend them to the death!

Your neighbour may see you as a friendly or an irritating resident. Your children may see you as an inspiration or a burden. Your dog may see you as the centre of his world or a killjoy. These thoughts are all in the mind of the observer. And they may all be true for them!

But they don’t have to be true for us.

Where does my dog fit into all this?

Your dog is just as able to change as you are. And all those people you plonk in boxes, hoping they’ll stay there, classified, so you don’t have to worry about what you think about them any more, can also change - in a moment, on a whim, without your permission.

If you remove the labels, especially from your dog, you may find a completely different relationship growing between you.

I can help you so much with your dog! Those of you with difficult, reactive, anxious, aggressive - Growly - dogs will get a great start with our free Masterclass

When I suggest to people that the “rescue dog” they’ve had for 5 years or 5 days is no longer a “rescue dog” but their dog, it is a revelation for many of them. Just removing that label alone transforms their way of being with their dog, their emotional response to their dog, their responsibilities, their acceptance.

What labels are you - perhaps unconsciously - applying to yourself and to your dog, and defending to the death?

And how would it affect your life if you consciously discarded the labels you have for yourself? Isn’t it time to bring them into the daylight and have a look at them dispassionately?

And if you’re troubled by your inability to peel off these labels from yourself, to clamber out of your self-imposed box, I’d love to help you with this, as I have helped others in the same predicament!

Contact me and let’s open a conversation about how you can change things and have a brighter future - whether for your dog or for that very important person: yourself.

New Puppies Everywhere!

There are puppies everywhere! As people went into Lockdown they thought it was time to bring a dog into their life. And now they’re enjoying their puppy . . . or perhaps not so much.

Now we know that many puppy purchases are made on the spur of the moment. That is sad, because it means no planning will have been done - no research on breed suitability for their home, no knowledge of breed/type proclivities, no idea what to feed or how to turn this new scrap into the companion dog they want. (Search in our extensive blog to find the answers to these important questions.) So it’s only a matter of time till it all comes apart.

Here’s a great starting place to get your new puppy to become your Brilliant Family Dog!

And there are those who think deeply, plan ahead, prepare, acknowledge that they don’t know it all, ask all the right questions (I love these people!) . . . but they still get stuck!

My inbox is always full of questions, and at the moment the questions are mostly about puppies. I’m happy to help, and that often includes pointing them to one of the multitude of free resources here at Brilliant Family Dog.

There is SO much information available to us on a daily basis. We are under a continual barrage of knowledge! They say that there is more information published in two days now than from the dawn of time up to our century. It’s impossible to keep up with it.

What you need to do is find someone who suits you and your style of interacting with the world, and stick to that person. That doesn’t, of course, have to be me. While I have masses to offer you - hundreds of articles, nine books, two premium courses, and a plethora of free classes, workshops, courses and guides - it’s for you to choose who YOU think works best for you.

If your inbox is crammed daily with missives and sales letters from all the people you’ve followed in the past, the time has come to take the axe and unsubscribe from most of them.

They’re confusing you!

And what do we do when we’re confused? N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

If you take the axe to me as well, so be it. You need to be selective who you listen to. It’s your life, with your dog, so don’t expose yourself to all that information without strong filters!

So how does this affect your puppy?

Many of these emails have come about from confusion. “I read that you shouldn’t do xyz,” “I’ve been told not to do this or that,” “I’ve been following your suggestions, but when I add in [fashionable new thing] it all goes wrong.”

This is what happens when you try to grab information from everywhere you see it! And so often it’s from inappropriate sources.

Unless she’s qualified in canine behaviour, the woman next door (however nice she may be) can’t help you. And unless she’s qualified in canine behaviour, neither can your vet (however brilliant she is at operations and broken bones). You wouldn’t ask your postman how to craft a business letter just because he carries them! And you wouldn’t ask me how to treat pyometra just because I know about dog behaviour . . .

Horses for courses!

These folk who email me are keen to do their best for their puppy. But their continual trawling through the internet is confusing them so that they muddle up all the suggestions and end up confusing their dog as much as themselves! This is always made worse when they are beguiled by “balanced trainers”, tv personalities, and people who routinely use punishment and intimidation in their so-called “training”.

A what trainer?

I know it can be hard to spot these people when you’re not an expert yourself. One give-away is if they use anything other than a soft collar, a long lead, and a harness, on their dog. No need for chains, spikes, electronics - all those extra gadgets are there to make money for someone!

But often what they say gives it away. “Show him who’s boss,” “Be the leader,” “Be the alpha,” “Lead the pack,” “Keep him in his place,” “Eat and go through doors before your dog, to push him down the pecking order,” and so on.

Still not sure?

So ask yourself, would you adopt any of these ideas with your family?

No?

Of course you wouldn’t!

You do know, deep down, what’s right!

So no need to do it with your dog either, your little puppy, who you have chosen to become your friend and companion down the years.

Check out our free Workshop right now - you can be watching it within minutes ...

My dog is a **@%*$ and so am I

It always makes me sad when I see someone who thinks they’ve reached the limit of their potential.

It saddens me because they have put these limits on themselves. They may have got the idea from other people that they should stay in their box, keep quiet, not rock the boat. Or they have more pernicious beliefs to keep themselves under wraps - like “Who do you think you are?” “Who asked you anyway?” “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

If people say these things to you enough times you can actually come to believe them! It may have been the throwaway comment of an exasperated teacher - but it burrowed deep into your soul and has festered there for a lifetime.

It can happen so easily to us. A casual remark, a quick snipe, a condemnation born of frustration . . . and it has this desperate and lasting effect on our confidence.

What’s this got to do with dogs?

So how about your dog? Was there a time when you cursed him? (You’d be unusual if you’ve never wanted to!) Was there a time when you spoke dismissively of him? Have you ever called him insulting names, even apparently in jest? A nickname which was expressed in the moment and has somehow stuck? 

You see, I find that people who refer to their dog by rude names, even fairly mild ones, colour their own perception of their dog. They may not realise they’re doing this, but it’s a pernicious drip-drip of scorn and derision that is damaging for everyone concerned.

What we call something matters because it shapes how we think of it. Karen Overall

It’s essential to clean up your thinking!

These thoughts you may be having - of insufficiency, guilt, shame, or your dog’s hopelessness - will all become embedded in your mind, and become a self-fulfilling prophecy!

What you focus on is what you get.

What you think about most becomes your reality.

Whether this be “I’m useless,” or “My dog is stupid,” think about it hard enough and it will come to pass.

All change!

But it doesn’t have to be like this! You can start monitoring your own thoughts and the words you use in relation to your dog. Stop yourself when you’re talking to or about her, and check whether what you said was actually helpful, will help you move forward.

But the deep ingrained beliefs we have about ourselves may need a bit more digging to get the change you want. To be able to spread your wings and achieve what you know you really can in life. To do all those things you wanted to do - but just never felt ready for.

What dreams have you been stifling?

I’d love to help you with this, as I have helped others in the same predicament! Contact me and let’s open a conversation about how you can change things and have a brighter future - whether for your dog or for that very important person: yourself.

The winding path - for our dogs and for us!

Wandering footpaths are a feature of my photos. And they're a feature of my life too, as well as yours. We are all on an endless journey. And we all have choices to make.

Our dogs take everything in their stride. They put their noses down and they explore their surroundings. They find what they like and they discard what they don’t like.

We can do the same!

We can look at our surroundings, our circumstances, and we can pick and choose. We don’t have to take everything life throws at us, or what gets thrown at us by other people, governments, natural and not-so-natural events!

We can decide what we want to keep in our life, and we can discard what we don’t want.

If you are burdened by expectation, guilt, or a desire to fit in, you’re not going to be able to make the choices that are right for you!

You have to choose yourself, from your heart, what aligns with your values. What is acceptable to you, not to society, family, colleagues …

What does the future hold for us?

We have no idea!

No-one can know what will happen tomorrow, next year, later today . . .

The best we can do is to keep our minds open, and explore - just as our dogs do - and find the hidden delights that are strewn across our path, but which we so often trample over in our hurry to get . . . somewhere else.

I love finding surprises on my walks. And I’ve been finding lots of hearts recently! Here’s a nice one that Coco is inspecting.

You may think it’s just a stone.

Aha! Nonono!

It’s a sign that love is everywhere. Beauty is everywhere. But it’s easy for us to miss it in our hurry through life.

Driving through the Burren - a magical limestone pavement in Ireland, full of flowers which grow nowhere else - a friend asked of a farmer on the road where he may see the flowers.

Slowly and deliberately, the old soul replied, “You’ll not see anything, hurtling through at thirty miles an hour.”

So true!

The beauty of the world is there for us. Our task is to look beyond the humdrum and see it.

Am I on the right path?

You may have been racing along your path for so long that you’ve forgotten to check that it’s the right path for you!

Does it fill you with joy, every day? Does your heart sing when you wake in the morning and see what your day holds? Or do you get a sinking feeling, a feeling of dread, as you contemplate your day?

Sometimes we need a little nudge in the right direction, to ensure we don't go off track. Sometimes we can give ourselves that nudge. And sometimes we need someone else to do it for us.

Do you have a safe someone? Contact me if you are still searching.

Learn a new way to interact with your dog which you will both love!